Super Hero Lawsuit

Lawsuits are common in all sorts of realities…

Judge: Will the defendant please take the stand.

Batman: (Walking up) Your honor I haven’t done anything, can we just end this already?

Judge: This is a court of law Mr Batman and there will be no exceptions for anybody!

Batman: Fine! But the next time the joker kidnaps your children I’ll make sure to save them just in the nick of time…

Judge: Threats will get you nowhere.

Spider-man: Exactly, they didn’t work on me either! He told me yesterday if I didn’t take back the charges he’d line my house with dead spiders.

Batman: I don’t even know where the hell you live! How could I-

Judge: Batman, could you simply state your case.

Batman: Thank you your honor.

Batman: The so called “Victim” here Spider-man, claims that I drove my jet through one of his webs while he was in mid swing deliberately to make him fall and almost die, I can tell you that these accusations are false.

Judge: Got any proof?

Batman: He’s lying! What more proof do you need!

Spider-man: Do you really think I am the one lying judge? I was innocently on my way home one evening when this evil beast of a man tried to kill me! I remember like it was yesterday…


Spider-man: (Swinging through buildings singing his theme tune)Do do do, do do do, do do do do do do do do , do dooooo , here comes the spider-pig.

Humming off in the distance…

Spider-man: What… (Looks back and sees an aircraft in the distance)

Spider-man: Whoa I better get out of here! (Begins swinging at double speed)

Batman: (Spotting Spider-man) Hehehe… (Grim smile)

Spider-man: wait… Wait slow down! You’ll hit me! (Slowing down to signal to Batman)

Batman: Hahaha! (Evil smile) Good night Spidey… HAHAHAHAHA!

Spider-man: No… no… NOOOOOO!!!! (Tries to descend onto the streets)

Batman: Curses! (Misses Spider-man)

Spider-man: Few… (begins descending)

Batman: Actually… (Winds down window and throws a batarang, slashing Spiderman’s web in two)

Spider-man: What!? NOOOOOOOOO!!! (Falling to his doom)



Spider-man: And that is exactly how it happened.

Batman: That was NOT how it happened at all your honor! Look at all the holes in his story!

Judge: Such as?

Batman: Why didn’t he just land on a building while I passed? And he originally said I ran through his web, now he’s saying I slashed it with my batarang! And what was he even doing in Gotham city in the first place!? By legal jurisdiction he’s not allowed in DC territory. Book him!

Spider-man: Well I’m sorry if I’m still so traumatized the whole event seems hazy.

Batman: You son of a…

Judge: I think it’s time to bring out your first witness Spiderman.

Spider-man: Sure, meet Jippy!

A large spider descends from the ceiling near a miniature microphone…

Jippy: He pretty much told it like it was judge, I was perched on a nearby lamp post when it happened… Though Batman also did something similar to me!

Jury: (Gasp)

Batman: What the hell did I do to you!?

Jippy: You ran over me with your bat-mobile! Remember, October 13th!

Batman: How the hell would I remember that!? It was at night there’s no way I would have seen you, and there’s no way you would have survived.

Spider-man: Thinking of finishing the job?

Jury: (Gasp)

Batman: I didn’t SAY THAT! And stop gasping!

Jippy: (Weeping) Oh the memories… I don’t think I can ever roam the streets again…

The jury: (Gasp)

Batman: He’s lying! THEY’RE BOTH LYING!!

Spider-man: What was that? We’re both dying once you get us alone!? Your honor listen to these threats! This is the talk of a lost soul, who takes out his depression on innocent arachnids; I think the verdict is pretty clear.

Judge: It is indeed.


Spider-man: (Sticks his tongue out at him)

Judge: Well… how does the jury plead?

Half the jury (Marvel characters): Guilty!!

Half the Jury (DC Characters): Not guilty!!

Judge: Agh.

Judge: As far as I’m concerned you are both idiots, batman, you are to compensate Spider-man by giving him 100 free copies of Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, 120 batman comics, 80 detective comics, 60 Batman figurines, and a special edition of DC Universe online.

Spider-man: I will burn every single one of them. And I’m gonna use your comics to wipe my ass.

Judge: And Spider-man…

Spider-man: What!?

Judge: You are to pay batman with 1200 copies of Marvel VS Capcom 3, 20 copies of Spider-man shattered dimensions, 30 copies of your entire live action trilogy starring Toby McGuire, and you’ll need to have a word with Tony Stark and allow batman to solve one of his cases in the iron man costume. Case dismissed (Bangs hammer)

Spider-man: Son of a bitch! Stark won’t even let me near his suit ever since I mistook it for a urinal.

Batman: 100 free copies!? Man the DC guys I can handle, but the MK guys are gonna go nuts…

Batman: (As he heads out a kunai attached to a rope pierces his armor)…

Scorpion: (Voice in the distance drags him) GET OVER HERE!

Batman: Oh boy…


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